sometimes it doesn't matter what tricks i try to bring on some happiness, there is just no way in hell it is going to happen. is it me resisting my own natural state of being? if sometimes happy things make me cry, what does that mean i am really thinking about them then? sometimes they don't seem like tears of joy, but if anyone's around i can let them think that or tell them it's allergies, depending on the season of course. i never thought of myself as having social anxiety, but sometimes there are situations where you just can't help it really, like when you are the last one picked for kickball or the only one of your friends not invited to that party on saturday night or the only one without a date...not that i mind not having a date, but it's the look on other people's faces that's hard to take...like they are dumping their discomfort and their ultimate sorrow for you all over the place. sometimes it doesn't matter how sweet the tea is, it just can't do it's magic. why is that?