SURPRISE!!!

Oh how i love a surprise! Especially a surprise PARTY! It's so much fun keeping a lovely secret from someone and it's even more fun to be INCLUDED in the secret in the first place! Everyone going around hurriedly making plans, whispering invitations, gathering trinkets for decorations and cakes and cocktails. Maybe you weren't even included in the original plan, but when you were invited, when you were let in on the secret, it felt great and was something to look forward to. "We'll send you the e-vite because we want you to be there!" and then the evite doesn't come and since we are all so closely connected thanks to all this technology, it's sort of hard to make the same old excuses you used to make for people and harder to just face it that you might, in fact, be forgettable. SURPRISE!

word vomit

it took a long time to build them all up. foundation. basement. floor upon floor. rising. teetering. rooftop. and then it just took one small thing for that tower of words to crash down and out. like a volcano. or an avalanche. crushing people. covering every single thing in its headlong pursuit of escape. or maybe it wasn't so small. 

sometimes, when you've stored up words for a long time, your ability to discern size is revoked. same as when you see your reflection and, no matter what the surface, it seems like a funhouse mirror. even when you aren't in the funhouse. even when there isn't any fun in your house. even when there hasn't been any fun in the house for so long you hardly know what fun is anyway.

LANGUAGE EVOLUTION


i've decided there should be a language evolution so that when you start taking a shine to someone new, or even after eternity with someone, the words you are saying to describe what you are feeling don't sound like the same old words you used last time or last week, but sound fresh and new and lovely. like your feelings. cause if i'm saying the same words, does it mean i am making the same mistakes? (it doesn't feel like a mistake.) "my heart explodes in words" and they cannot come out of my mouth fast enough.

the difference

and then he said he’d had cancer and chemo and the whole thing and i said oh, you don’t have to tell me about it and he said oh, i WILL tell you ALL about it and we kept walking and i just mostly checked out because i lived already twenty five years with my mother’s cancer and i don’t intend to spend twenty five seconds listening to a stranger’s version of it, dispassionate as that may sound, and we walked along until we ran into someone i hadn’t seen in a long time. so on the one side is this old guy who is interested in a bunch of things i’m not and on the other side is this young guy who knows a bunch of other young guys i adore and it’s not a competition and i don’t want to offend the old guy by talking to my other friend too long, but the conversation is going on and including him and fun and i’m noticing the differences in the way the skin hangs on each of these faces and wondering how mine might be hanging today and noticing maybe that guy has dentures even if it is a nice smile and we are all dripping sweat, even those of us who weren’t just running because georgia in the summertime is a sweltering stew and suddenly the old guy just takes off running and i’m standing there. the first thing i wonder is what is wrong with me, as if the suddenness of his departure carried with it all the things that were wrong with him. so i walk in the opposite direction talking in circles of wonderment at what just happened and finally my friend said: well, it’s over now. and that’s it exactly. the difference is in someone who’s gonna tell you all about something you don’t want to know in the first place, like how in winter the chickens on the outside of the trucks on the way to be slaughtered freeze and the ones in the middle suffocate but he’s not a vegetarian anymore because of the spiritual evolution of his near death experience and someone who can just say: well, it’s over now and keep throwing the ball for his dog under a hot sky that’s still blue even though it’s waiting for rain.

heart palpitations

not everything's as easy as it could be. i don't know why it was so complicated to order something online; i could have driven to another city and back and had the item i'll now wait 3 to 5 business days to acquire. but in the meantime, in the course of trying to acquire it, i had to put the phone down and submerge, deep into the sofa and while there, using my dog as a pillow, i noticed my heart wasn't actually beating regularly and my mind started throwing up all these ideas about it, about dying and who would pay my debts and who would end up with my art and who would take care of things, who would make up my dying bed and it was like there was a crowd of people standing over me pointing out all the different choices i could have made up to this moment and then i realized how glad i was i hadn't actually been able to acquire that item after all as the cash i might have spent for it might really come in handy should i actually die lying on my dog on my sofa. turns out there's a bunch of people in the world who have heart palpitations for all kinds of reasons and mine fit neatly into one of those normalish reasons so i didn't have to save that twenty five dollars for dying after all. it was okay to buy a book about buying a piece of paris and living the dream and i looked into all those clamoring suffocating faces with a smile on mine cause i still had the chance to make it come true.

"horses are easy"

i spent a long long time in the conversation

trying to fill the space up with words because

of all the times it wasn't as easy to do that and this time all the words were about how hard it was for me to draw horses. it was strange because i had just been watching a film with horses in it just wishing i had the skills to draw them when i picked up the phone and said: what are you doing? and the answer was "drawing a horse." i went on for a long long time about how i wished i could do it and how hard it was and when the words finally quit pouring out, without any grandeur of silence or space or anything at all, not even a sigh, he just said: "horses are easy."

social networkings.




oh, how i love them. everyday i can click on this one reassuring page that tells me for real i have TWOHUNDREDandeightysomeodd real live actual FRIENDS! sometimes the power of the page wanes though and it feels more like ZERO. but the super funnest thing about them is all the interesting things you would otherwise not know, like how some guy you like just met someone super special waaaaaaaaaaay super specialer than you even!...now you can know INSTANTLY instead of waiting around and guessing and stuff like that. then there's the guy who can't just be friends with just ANY one because his "penis is only three degrees of separation from everyone in town." well, at least it's a small town. but my most favourite part about it is when i interact with someone in my own area code or send them a message and they don't respond at all. at least not to me. and then later it comes up all the 5 million other things they've been doing besides replying to me. fun times! sometimes the town isn't as small as it seems.