whenever someone gives me a "mixed tape" i automatically think that every song, every word in every song, is a direct message from the mixer to me! so, if you put "violet hill" in TWO different mixes for me, i won't give a second thought to the fact that you probably don't remember that you gave it to me once before, i will only hear: "if you love me, won't you let me know?" and then wonder, when i tell you, why you have such a surprised look on your face.

i'm not a good loser. or maybe i'm a great loser cause i know so much about it. but still i hate it and so instead of waiting for something to just leave me, as i'm certain it eventually will, i push it away or ignore it until it goes away or do something to drive it away so i won't have to put up with the pain of waiting for it to leave me later. but not this time. this time i am holding you in my lap and telling you i love you and that i will miss you and thanking you for everything that you have done for me because i learned so much more from knowing you than i could have possibly learned without and it was SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN sometimes too and no matter what was happening, you were always there and you were always willing to love me except for the parts when i was screaming like a banshee and you had to run and hide somewhere, but really, who could blame you or anyone for that. it's good to know when to run and hide. i am torn between wanting to run away and hide and wanting someone or anyone to come along and do i don't know what for me or just be with me, but because i'm not so good at losing, i'm not so good at asking either and it seems like i'm always asking the wrong people the wrong things and i know there are times in this world where you have to be alone and i know if you called me or showed up i would reject you because i may not like doing it by myself, but i don't know how to do it in front of other people. and what can you do for me anyway? could you hold me in your lap and tell me that you love me and that you will miss me and thank me because you learned so much more from knowing me than you would have without and it was fun sometimes even when you were screaming like a banshee and i had to run and hide somewhere....? everything changes and i am grateful i got to know you at all. and i really, really do love you, too.

oh words, inadequate words. how i adore the struggle of trying to get you to come out of my mouth in the same order i have rehearsed them adnauseum in my mind! it's so much like when you're high and you have one of those really amazing conversations in your head with someone and then later can't remember if you actually had it or not and usually it turns out not and then you can never remember the exact intention of whatever it was you were trying to say in the first place.

somewhere along the way i just got scared to say most anything involving feelings to anyone and started overusing the three strikes you're out rule but without ever letting anyone know, so i guess it was really more like three strikes i'm out, but with the same result in the end. well, it's not that i wouldn't say anything to anyone cause i sure do like to tell a tale and the taller the better, but it seemed like maybe i was always talking to the 50 people who couldn't possibly do anything about it instead of the one person who could. i didn't realize how good i had gotten at walking away...i knew i was a world champion at pushing people away, but i didn't see for real what a great runner i was myself. i'm always rubber when i need to be glue. or the other way around.